The worst FPS player in the world takes on the game The Precursors. Watch Treece Crichton crash his starship, get his space marine colleagues killed by acid-spitting plants, make friends with the Empire by killing bugs then no longer be friends after playing tag with a rocket launcher, run from a giant robot then find out he’s in the Matrix and he’s the One. Or something. Welcome to The Precursors!

Treece heads out into the jungle in search of the dangerous beast he must slay in order to prove his worth to the Keeper of the Nest, even though he can’t remember what she is called. Along the way he explains why he is using a useless weapon, slaughters a large number of jungle critters and somehow winds up with an alien weapon that shoots spiders. Obviously, another session of Precursors!

Treece heads back out into the jungle to perform a mixture of theft and assassinations. Along the way he stops by the gonzo pens to try to meet a hunter named Thompson, speculates on the advantages of a personal soundtrack, having a weapon with infinite ammo and why a jungle where everything is trying to kill him is annoying. Then he meets the exiled Elder and realizes that all Empires seem to have a thing about blowing up planets. Another exciting session of Precursors!

Treece finally makes it to orbit, only to find that everyone there is shooting at him as well. After blowing up some raiders, he escorts a freighter to the middle of nowhere, finds that the Empire has a very low threshold for success, intercepts a few smugglers and finds that even cheating won’t let him win a race. Just a typical orbital jaunt in Precursors!

Treece returns to Goldin to discover the actual start of the plot. He then learns that he has to track down the singer Falco on the show Glee… wait, the exiled Elder Falcao on the planet Gli. Or something like that. There, he gets a lot of experience for following a tour guide, rescues a tourist liner simply by showing up and finds out the best way to be saved by any religion is to simply give it a lot of money. Pretty much standard for a day in Precursors!

Part 5

Still on the planet Goldin, Treece Crichton demonstrates why he is a pilot and not a commando during a raid on the bandit’s base. He also continues his grand theft buggy streak, wonders how everyone keeps shooting at him without having any weapons, has an inordinate number of grenades thrown at him and finds out that it is apparently all Bush’s fault. Just another day in Precursors.

Part 6

Having successfully defeated the bandit raiders, Treece’s next challenge is to track down the source of the psychotropic drug Dust. Along the way, he steals all the cola from a junkie’s house, collects vodka bottles from the dumpster, talks a smuggler into killing himself and speculates on the written language of the Amarn. He also gets a sniper rifle, visits the Pyramid temple and, oh yeah, finally gets his ship fixed! Finally. Another typical session of Precursors!

Part 3

In this episode, Treece visits the planet Sunax where he learns the importance of eating his fruits and vegetables while fighting off wild tagos. (Wild. Not domesticated. Definitely wild.)

Part 4

Back on the planet Goldin, Treece learns to avoid raiders by driving cross country to avoid raiders. He also delivers a water purification chip to what may or may not be refugees from Vault 13, gets insulted in Russian, has his vehicle destroyed by a gorilla, steals an invalid’s stash of cola after giving him drugs and learns to avoid raiders by driving cross country. To avoid raiders

Part 1

Cadet pilot Treece Crichton crashes his ship on a hostile world, loses his colleagues (who can’t remember his name) to carnivorous plants, gets attacked by imperial robots then discovers he is in a computer simulation and that he is the One (or something). He then forgets all of it and is only able to look forward to getting into drunken brawls on a god-forsaken planet at the edge of the universe.

Part 2

Newly graduated space pilot Treece Crichton finds himself on the planet Goldin where his first assignment is to shake down the local merchants for cash. Meanwhile, he plants hidden microphones in bars for a random guy he meets in a hotel lobby, listens to a street preacher who insists that the entire world is inside a video game and does everything he can to avoid his girlfriend. Just another day in Precursors!